[He's silent in response to those initial words. Of course he agrees that what she said sounded absurd. But was their fate really set in stone? Getting kidnapped and ending up in this place certainly wasn't in his plans.
It's difficult and frustrating. He wants to believe Jun is right: that they're fated to achieve their dreams together with Eden, and that this hasn't changed despite what they've endured here. But even he can't say their time in this place hasn't changed either of them. Suppose time is frozen outside of the resort, as some people have optimistically suggested—even if they're able to go back home and compete in SS like no time at all has passed, will they really be the same people? He wants to believe their fans won't notice, or that they at least won't think poorly of the difference. And he also wants to think that he and Jun would've ended up together even without this place—it just would've taken more time. But still.
He's unable to articulate what he thinks in this regard. It's late, he's exhausted, he's sick with worry, and he's still suffering from that deathly cold feeling and that mental overload brought about by the connection with Esikko. It's a constant headache, and all those thoughts get scattered anyway when Jun pins him with a question that makes his chest hurt. Guilt squeezes his heart, churning in his stomach when he hears how bothered Jun sounds. And why shouldn't he be? What excuse does Hiyori have? He stares down at his own lap miserably.]
I'm sorry.
[It's a rare apology from him, shamefaced and defeated-sounding. But it doesn't answer Jun's question. Why didn't he tell him? Even he's not really sure.
But, well, Jun didn't seem to take the other stuff she said seriously. And he didn't want to utterly spoil the mood between them or make Jun anxious. And he's been so anxious himself since he heard that that he just didn't want to address it or think about it. He's told a few other people about the quest with Jin Mingming, people he promised to exchange information with, and when he passed on what she said, he left that part out, then, too. He didn't want to face the truth, even if that "truth" wasn't a sure thing. Because if what she said is true, then...
Then their little "world of two" is over.
Hiyori sits in silence, trying to think and feeling miserable, wishing desperately that things were different. Despite his hurt, Jun tries to dispel his worries. And it's not all empty words: it's true that he doesn't know what'll happen, and that Jin Mingming doesn't know either. She said herself that she wasn't sure. But even so...
He thinks, briefly, about all the things going on with Nagisa at home, about all the evils he's vaguely heard about lurking within the industry. All those things he refused to consider a part of his perfect world. And he wonders if it's just going to hurt them, to keep burying their heads in the sand.
He hears that intake of breath, looking up when Jun asks that last question. This time, Jun sounds less sure of himself. Less sure about him, too, perhaps. After a long beat of silence, all Hiyori says is this:]
I don't know.
[It's quiet, a bit helpless. It's both an answer to Jun's question about whether he believes what she said, and an answer to the earlier one about how she even knows this stuff in the first place. He doesn't know. He looks down at the bedcovers again.]
I just know I'd never forgive myself if that happened. I know Ibara and our fans and all your loved ones wouldn't forgive me, either. I'm supposed to protect Jun-kun. We're partners, so we ought to look out for each other. That's why, if doing what our captors say and playing in Game 52 really is the safest way to live here, I should've suggested we do that.
[Then, before Jun can cut in, he looks up, meeting his eyes again and continues,]
I know you didn't want to. And I didn't want you to force yourself. I thought playing that sort of game would reflect terribly on us as idols. I was worried about things like that. But...
[He trails off, his voice wobbling as another almost-sob wracks him. And then he looks at Jun almost plaintively, tears welling in his eyes.]
In the end, those were just convenient excuses. I wanted to keep Jun-kun all to myself. That's been my selfish motive all along. And now I'm scared they'll hurt you to punish me for it.
i feel that... enstars make your characters cry more please and thanks
[ The silence has him feeling a sense of uneasiness, a sinking feeling in his stomach that won't go away. Part of this speaks volumes, but in the end, it's the same as how he's reacted to everything Hiyori's told him.
How can he believe random words from a woman neither of them knows? It's not only Jun kicking up a fuss, he's framing it genuinely as a question because, in his eyes, it all sounds ridiculous. Somehow this hurts even more when Hiyori can't look at him, apologising into his lap. Does he mean the apology? He bites the inside of his mouth, listening to how defeated Hiyori sounds, and his chest feels even heavier. ]
Don't apologise less you mean it.
[ Jun isn’t trying to start a fight, but he wishes Hiyori would at least look at him. Without honesty, nothing seems to matter, and he wonders what kind of relationship they have. The anxiety inside him is growing, pushing him toward the worst possible thoughts.
Despite feeling at his lowest, Jun can’t help but try to reassure Hiyori. His love for him is absurdly intense, to the point where it feels almost sickeningly sweet. He realises he can’t stay angry at Hiyori, no matter what he does or how much he keeps hidden.
It does come across as helpless, and Jun can't pretend it was the answer he’d hoped for. In a situation that demands absolute certainty, this uncertainty is unsettling. He begins to wonder if confessing his feelings was a mistake—perhaps it would have been better to keep them to himself, avoiding all of this turmoil.
What frustrates him even more is when Hiyori starts speaking again, assuming something about him that’s completely untrue. A strong urge to interrupt settles in, wanting to correct Hiyori’s misconceptions, but he holds back and waits for him to finish. ]
Hey, come here.
[ He’s not trying to sound annoyed; he only wants to shake off the frustration that's been bugging him. He knows he’s probably overthinking things, as he always does.
Is any of this really Hiyori’s fault? Shouldn't Jun be there to support him, no matter what? It makes him question if he even has a right to be annoyed. Being in this place is already stressful enough, so what could make it worse? With Hiyori around, things have been much better, and everything has begun to make sense.
With a soft smile, he half-opens his arms, hoping to comfort Hiyori. He’d rather not see Hiyori on the verge of tears, especially once feeling frustrated.
In the end, Jun wishes he could assure Hiyori that everything might be alright. But he feels powerless to do so from where he stands. Despite knowing Hiyori's selfish tendencies, which have been known for years, there's far too much he wants to convey. Especially when it comes to those so-called "convenient excuses." ]
Just come right into my arms, Ohii-san. I'm not gonna say a thing 'til you do.
crosses fingers for Hiyori to be crying uncontrollably in his next unbloomed 5*
[He looks momentarily stricken when Jun says that first thing. His eyes flicker up again, before he casts them back down even more miserably.]
Of course I...
[meant it. But he fails to finish the sentence again.
He really does feel ashamed. Not just for failing to tell Jun everything Jin Mingming said, but for his own selfishness all along. It's a weight off his chest to confess to some of that now—to admit his motivations were self-serving since the beginning. And yet he's afraid of how Jun will react to that, too. Jun might just tell him he's being silly, but what if he doesn't? Hiyori never told him he had feelings for him all along. Since before the Springtime game, and even before they got kidnapped here. It's just one more thing he hasn't been fully honest about.
The one with the burdensome feelings is him. Not Jun. This is something he's internalized so strongly that he sees it as unbreakable truth. It's still what he believes, and the sad and helpless look on Jun's face only reinforces that idea. He can't help but feel like he's responsible for Jun's pain right now. If he'd just been able to let go of Jun-kun... No, if he'd just been able to look out for Jun-kun as his senior, without letting his true feelings interfere...
But while he's cycling through useless thoughts like that and falling deeper into despair, Jun does something wholly unexpected.
He smiles.
It's so warm, so soft and gentle that it stuns him. He stares at Jun's face, at Jun's outstretched arms, with an expression full of surprise. And then his vision blurs, fresh tears filling his eyes.]
M...
[His hesitation melts away, alongside any thoughts about being the "responsible" senior. Never mind whether he should've taken better care of Jun; with Jun offering to take care of him, he feels like he's been thrown a lifeline. All he can do is obey, crawling closer on the bed and throwing his arms around Jun's neck.]
Mm!
[He hums his assent, high and almost broken, before he sniffles again. Pressing his hot, teary face into Jun's shoulder, clinging more tightly to him than ever, he murmurs,]
I'm here.
[And I always will be, he realizes. Even if being here puts them both in danger. It's just too late to separate himself from Jun without losing half his heart in the process, and in that sense, maybe they've finally lived up to the ideal of Eve: "two souls in one," intertwined and inextricable from each other.]
[ It no longer matters what his feelings are, sure, they're filled with unfamiliar, unhappy thoughts. A feeling he shouldn't be throwing around while the air around them feels almost intolerable.
But when you're unsure when your own feelings changed and when Hiyori became an important person to him, he'll never know. From the beginning, he'd always been important to Jun, despite being unsure about life. Maybe Jun had been in love with him before coming here and hadn't realised it, the comfort he's always felt may have been love. But the thought doesn't matter right now. All that matters is comforting Hiyori as he needs it.
And it's something he's committed to for the rest of his life. From SS to their dorm life afterwards, and now in a place filled with temptation around every corner. Even with those thoughts, no one has ever occupied his thoughts as much. Even with the realisation they're inseparable, he's well aware of how miserable life would be without the comfort of having one another close. He's more than realised life can't go back to how it once was.
Hiyori exudes warmth despite the tears, with Jun tenderly embracing him, offering comfort. ]
And I'm not gonna go anywhere, Ohii-san.
[ He murmurs gently into Hiyori's hair, placing tender kisses against his forehead. Jun's fingers weave through the strands, offering soothing words of comfort and gentle hums as he embraces Hiyori more tightly. ]
... seriously, none of this really matters if ya don't know or feel confused 'bout it. There's stuff 'bout me I'm never gonna share with anyone else, but I'm gonna say this: I doubt my parents give a damn 'bout where I am. They're probably real relieved I'm gone, and that's got nothing to do with you not looking out for me. What I'm tryna say is... my real "loved ones" are you guys in Eden. And Ibara's gonna be pissed we're both gone. You mighta not realised it, but you've been looking out for me way more than you know.
[ His hand moves to rub circles across Hiyori's back, smoothing down the cresses in his shirt as best he can. ]
That sorta game is gonna reflect poorly on us as idols, and you think I didn't know that from the beginning? I knew nothing before coming here, but coming here and reading the stuff 'bout the Game 52 and the House, and these damn Watches... To be real honest, I wouldn't survive being here without Ohii-san.
[ It’s not just because they’re together now. He’s scared of who he might become without his partner, especially in a place that’s a lot like the old Reimei. He never wants to go through that again.
Seeing how Hiyori looks at him with such a sad expression, almost as if there's a heartrending, mournful gaze behind it, breaks his heart. ]
You have no idea how much you've already had me, whether you think you're bein' selfish or not. And yeah, guess part of me is a bit selfish too. 'Cause it's seriously embarrassing, but I wanted you to want me just as much as I wanted you. Err... I sorta hoped that's all...
[ Honestly, Jun should’ve seen it coming. He should have noticed how Hiyori acted back home, but it just flew right over his head. ]
Hey, no one's gonna punish me, alright~? I've got pretty thick skin, but since you're worried 'bout it... just talk to me. Nothing scares me anymore, Ohii-san.
[ Each word is honest, filled with determination and love. He offers another warm smile, softly gliding his thumb beneath Hiyori's tear ducts, trying to dry them up. ]
[Jun soothes him with gentle kisses and touches like it's second nature. At this point, maybe it is. Hiyori once tried to entice Jun into a hug by saying that holding someone tight and listening to their heartbeat can provide the ultimate comfort, but now it's Jun who's comforting him, Jun who's whispering sweet words of reassurance and holding him safe in his arms. He's grown.
Despite the comfort Jun provides, his heart still hurts. Especially when Jun says his family would be relieved he's gone. He wants to dispute that, even after what Jun said about his parents during the memory share. And he wants to say that even if Jun's parents truly don't care, that there are still others back home who will miss him, who are missing right now if time isn't frozen. His fans, people from ES, even his gruff younger roommate.
But he doesn't. He just sits there clinging to Jun, listening to him talk about how Eden is his family, now—that hurts to hear too, when they've both been separated from the rest of their unit for so long. But at the same, he's glad for it. It makes his heart soar. The unit he hoped could become a home to Jun really did become one. And the one who brought him into that unit, out of his dark and dingy alleyway and into the limelight... that was him, wasn't it?
He thinks about that, and about Jun's next words. Rubbing circles on his back, Jun says he's looked out for him more than he knows. But he doesn't list the obvious stuff, like inviting him to his room to keep him out of the basement—Hiyori knows he's done some helpful things. It just hasn't felt like enough, with the looming threat of turning into statues hanging over their heads.
But Jun says he wouldn't survive without him, citing Game 52, and that's a jolt to Hiyori.
It's been a while since they talked about the game. Neither one of them has been playing, after all. And so there's nothing to talk about. But he can still remember sitting on that bench in the shopping center, reading those instructions on their watch and feeling nauseated as well as embarrassed. Jun had looked awkward. Which, well—how could he not look awkward? Hiyori had felt awkward, too, as well as disgusted. He doesn't like crude things. But Jun must have felt even worse. He had no experience. He said he only wanted to do that sort of thing with someone he cared about deeply. And Hiyori can remember how he felt when he heard that. It wasn't just selfishness—he wanted to protect his partner's innocence. It would've been tragic, he thought, for Jun to end up the same way he used to be.
He sits in silence, and he realizes that what he did wasn't wrong. He made sure Jun had his first time with someone who loves him. Someone he cared about in return, even if he hadn't realized it was "love" yet. Isn't that a good thing? That was what Jun said he wanted. So if it wasn't wrong of him to claim Jun's first time for himself, then where did he go wrong? Not letting Jun go afterwards?
He could've done that. Let him collect other cards and try to play the game properly. He could've stood by his side as his partner without trying to monopolize him. That's all stuff he could've done in theory. But in practice, that would've been impossible. Sleeping with the person you love, and then letting them go, handing them off to fifty other people—who could possibly do that? Forget being selfless. You'd have to be a saint. But would it really be a saintly thing to do? It wasn't what Jun wanted to happen. What Jun wanted...
Was him, apparently. Him and his own selfish wants. His selfish love, all for him.
Which means they both wanted the same thing all along. Doesn't it?
Hiyori pulls his face away slowly. There are tear tracks on his cheeks, which Jun wipes with his thumb. Accompanied by a beautiful smile, it feels like a heartfelt gesture. And at last, Hiyori smiles at him.]
Mm. Jun-kun's really brave.
[Braver than him. But he can't feel upset about it. This just means he'll just have to get braver himself, in order to stand by Jun's side as his partner. Isn't that right?
He releases Jun's back and reaches for his hands. Hiyori's are still cold, but he has faith that Jun will hold them anyway. Softly, he speaks.]
I'd be incredibly lonely, I think. If I was here without you, that is. I'm always grateful somewhere in my heart that Jun-kun is here. Even though I hate them for taking you, I'm still glad to have you by my side. It feels like a sweet relief. Because as partners, we should always be together.
[But then his face falls. Jun said he should talk, and he knows they have to. It's hard to make himself, though. He squeezes Jun's hands tight.]
It's not that I don't believe you. I know you're strong. You suffered all kinds of mistreatment, and yet you still didn't lose your resolve. But...
[He trails off with a sigh.]
I just can't stop worrying. I don't know what causes people to disappear, or if there's any surefire way to protect ourselves. It just feels like we ought to be doing something.
[He replays Jin Mingming's words in his head. The ones that spooked him so badly. His heart aches when he remembers. And then it starts to beat fast as he remembers something else that someone else said. Is now the time to bring that up...?
There's a pause before he continues.]
I don't mean playing in that game, of course. Both of us hate that idea, so that's out of the question.
[...]
But if there was some other way to get cards... like a loophole or something like that...
[Uh oh. Now his cheeks are starting to flush.]
noo don't give akira ideas!!! (she's just joking) 1/2
[ It feels intuitive to him now, wanting to comfort Hiyori in the only way he knows how. He never imagined finding himself in this position, yearning to hold someone close enough to hear their heartbeat. Opening up to Hiyori about his feelings was difficult, but it was the first step toward something better. Trying to create a narrative where his parents are concerned is pointless. And maybe some of his friends—like the members of Trickstar or Kohaku—are worried about him, even if time seems frozen back home. Those are the people outside of Eden who mean the most to him.
Despite Hiyori's nightmare, he’s grateful that he’s listening without argument. He has joked before about how Sakura-kun might be glad he’s gone, if only to enjoy the empty room, but what he’s saying now is anything but a joke.
Citing Game 52 hadn’t been in a negative sense; with Hiyori here, things could have turned out much worse. Jun might have lost himself and done anything to find a way back home. Back then he had zero experience, only ever having held someone's hand before, or being tugged along by Hiyori himself. Despite their circumstances, and the need to race back home to Nagi-senpai and Ibara, there's something special about them being here together. Being fully aware that Hiyori dislikes crude things—while in a place like this—it's a little difficult not to come across anything crude. So what can Jun do to counter it? Not a whole lot, but he's trying.
But when he recalls the conversation back then, it makes him think how long they've come since that day. The last thing he's sure either of them were expecting was this, where Jun's accepted being a touch selfish doesn't make you a bad person. He could have forgotten about it all, pretended as if nothing happened and gone back to how things were before the Springtime Game. But figuring out those feelings and realising he couldn't ever go back to how things once were, not now he knows, makes this worth it.
Maybe it was selfish of Jun to keep him like this, to allow them to become closer than ever, perhaps he should've put an end to it. But he's already admitted how his selfish thoughts wanted Hiyori, too, just as much. When Jun reflects on it, he feels relieved that Hiyori wasn’t put off and that it took him longer to sort out his true feelings. Things could have easily gone wrong back then; it wasn't ideal. The fear of rejection always hung over him, and if he had been a bit more perceptive, he might have realized that Hiyori liked him just as much.
To be with someone you love most in the world is a euphoric feeling, a feeling he hopes will never fade. ]
You seriously think I'm the brave one?
[ He laughs, still wiping his thumb across the tear tracks.
Jun squeezes the hands in his, running circles across his palms instead. Despite them feeling cold, it'll never bother him. He's accepted this now, accepting all of him and his love. Maybe love changed him, turned him softer... but it's for the best. The fond smile remains, eyes turned soft from hearing those sweet words. ]
We're always gonna be together, Ohii-san. But just know I'd be really lonely without you, too. And the same sorta relief washes over me whenever I see Ohii-san's sleeping face ♪
[ But despite all the warm feelings, they do need to talk, or rather, talk about what has been bothering Hiyori. ]
And I'm not tryna act all tough and brave, but being here isn't gonna shake my resolve. But it's 'cause we're both brave that nothing's gonna happen to us... Well, I'm pretty positive that's why, and we aren't 'boutta disappear.
[ But what can they really do? Jun doesn't believe that sleeping with a bunch of people will keep them around or prevent them from turning to stone. Besides, coming to terms with the idea of being intimate is the toughest part for him.
He’s a bit puzzled by Hiyori’s choice of words. What does he mean by a loophole to get cards? What exactly is going on...? Mixed with the flush of Hiyori's cheeks, he's perplexed, wanting to hear more. ]
... what're you talking 'bout a loophole for? Don't we hafta sleep with people to get their cards?
[Jun's own words also make him feel warm, of course, the look in his eyes soft and pleased. Then that last line about his face earns a verbal response.]
Eh?
[He flushes a bit, looking surprised. But still pleased!]
Jun-kun's been watching my sleeping face? Why, I never knew! ♪
[But now it's back to the un-fun conversation they need to have.
This is tough. Jun says they won't disappear and Hiyori wants to believe him, but he can't. Not when he's noticed more and more people vanishing. Vil's two underclassmen, Robin-kun, that girl he woke up in bed with upon arrival... Give him a month or two and he'll notice Monika doesn't seem to be around anymore, either. (And that'll inspire some guilt on his part. Didn't he used to wish she'd go away?)
He has no proof that doing anything related to Game 52 will protect them. But he still feels like he should be making every effort to keep Jun safe. There's nothing he'd regret more than losing Jun.
Still, he can't bear the thought of doing something drastic and terrible. Like breaking up to sleep with other people. Or like deciding to sleeping around on each other during the day, and coming back to their room at night, knowing full well they've spend the day cheating on each other. Like they're in a marriage of convenience where fidelity means nothing. Those ideas make him feel sick, and going through with them would surely break both their hearts. He wants to protect their hearts and their lives.
But how? Is there any way to do that?
Jun asks him what he's talking about, what he means by a loophole. Now's the time to spill. But boy, is it difficult.]
That's what I thought, too. But someone here told me about a loophole. And someone else said something that sort of supported that...
[More heat gathers in his cheeks. It sounds like there's one more thing he hasn't told Jun about, which Jun can't be pleased to hear. But maybe when he finds out what the "loophole" is, he'll understand why Hiyori didn't rush off to tell him right away. Hiyori doesn't have any great excuse. But in a word? He was embarrassed.
And he still is embarrassed, squirming a little and fidgeting with Jun's hands.]
You get someone's card if you sleep with them, but apparently you also get it if you watch them with someone.
[Pause.]
Or if you get watched by them. You all get each other's cards. Or, well, at least I think that's how it works...
[He trails off, his face growing steadily even redder. The ever-confident Hiyori Tomoe sure looks awfully unconfident now.]
'Course I do ♪ Sometimes I wanna stay a lil' longer so I can.
[ He almost looks on forlon, with a knowing smile. Of course, he's been watching his partner's sleeping face! It's the first thing Jun sees every morning when he's the happiest person in the world.
Still, this is something he can't quite seem to fathom. No part of him currently feels as if he's about to disappear. And better yet, Jun's never felt better than ever! It's not as if he disbelieves the whole idea, not while Hiyori's upset, he feels like he should be doing something more to reassure him. But what can someone in Jun's shoes do? And he doesn't want to acknowledge something logical where they could disappear. Besides, they have each other, and nothing will happen as long as they stick together.
Sure, wouldn't the most logical thing to do would be to break up? Pretend as if nothing happened between them and move on. But the selfish part of Jun doesn't want that, he means to stick with Hiyori forever, through thick and thin.
But seeing the heat pool onto Hiyori's cheeks only leaves him with more questions. Is the answer something to be embarrassed about? And possibly why Hiyori is having difficulty being honest about said "loophole"? ]
Well, yeah... we read 'bout collecting cards, remember? And we know all 'bout it, too.
[ Because they've been collecting each other's cards for months!
Having Hiyori says you can collect someone's card from watching confuses him even more. How does this sort of loophole work? From all Jun knows, don't you receive a card each time you climax? Wouldn't that mean the people watching would have to get off?
But it's not the strangest thing Hiyori's said thus far.
Hearing people want to watch, or you can watch them... He tries to smooth his thumb over Hiyori's fidgeting hands, opening his mouth only to close it again. To him it seems strange, something he can't fathom even by words alone. It barely feels as if they've been together, and this place keeps pushing them into what this is. ]
... uh, how's something like that gonna work, Ohii-san? Maybe my heads not workin' 'cause it's pretty late, but you're serious 'bout this "loophole" thing?
[ He can't seem to think of anything worse! Jun's mind races as he struggles to comprehend Hiyori's words. Blinking a few times, and furrowing his brows, silence hangs heavy in the air as he holds Hiyori's gaze. ]
Sorry, but I don't really get it...
[ He trails off soon after, blinking between Hiyori's ever-reddening face and him sounding less confident by the second. Why would the House fall for an "easier" solution to playing the game? It makes no sense to him! ]
[Jun doesn't deny it or bluster something like "not that often." He really does watch him sleep, presumably with a loving look on his face! And, well, that makes him feel giddy.]
Then maybe you should stay sometimes. I know you have your morning routine, but it seems like it wouldn't hurt to sleep in every now and then. Especially since we don't have jobs here!
[Too bad there isn't any sleeping through this next conversation.
He's unable to maintain eye contact as he explains the "loophole." Only once he's finished does he look at Jun's face. He's sort of afraid of what he'll see there. An incredulous look would be the most logical assumption. He can only hope Jun isn't disturbed that he even suggested this. He can already hear the "Uh, is this some kinda joke?"
But Jun doesn't ask if it's a joke. Instead, with a confused frown on his face, he says he "doesn't really get it." Which just causes Hiyori's brow to furrow back in response. What's there to get?? But well, getting it and agreeing to it are two different things. ]
I meant... well... if someone, er... if they watched us together...
[His face grows even more red. Goodness this is hard.]
Or if we had an audience member or two, then... then we might be able to get cards without having to cheat on each other. I don't know why they'd allow that loophole. But if the goal is just to "share something intimate" with someone, then I guess I can see where that would still count.
[Or, less charitably, if the goal is to humiliate them and gather blackmail, then encouraging them to do "that" sort of performance together would suit the House's purposes just fine.
His stomach squirms, and he stumbles over his own words. Hua Cheng planted the seed about that "loophole" at the beginning of the month, so he's actually been thinking about this for a couple of weeks at this point. But it's one thing to think about something and another to voice the words out loud in front of Jun, who looks plainly baffled by what he's saying. It's not like he wants this. He hates the thought of capitulating to the resort's demands. And even as a performer, this goes far beyond "fanservice" and into the realm of the taboo. Something far more intimate. Something career-ending, if they were ever caught at home. They'd be dragging their sparkling clean images through the mud.
Still, when it comes to what he wants to protect, he has his priorities. And protecting his image—despite the fact that he spent years perfecting it, and despite the fact that he really, truly loves "the idol called Hiyori Tomoe" from the bottom of his heart—has simply less important to him than protecting their lives and their hearts. Than protecting Jun's life and Jun's heart.
But it's still a lot. The thought of doing that stuff in front of someone else, when he and Jun have been dating for only a few months. They've collected each other's "card" over and over, but there are still things they haven't tried on their own yet. Taking audience members at such an early point, when their relationship is still blossoming and they're still discovering what they like, does feel wrong. It's too much, too soon, this place always demanding more and more from them. Sometimes it seems like it won't be satisfied until it's drained them of everything. That, too, would line up with what Jin Mingming said.
But he still has something left in him. He squeezes Jun's hands tighter, looking straight into his eyes this time.]
I'm not saying we should do it. I know it sounds absurd. I just thought I'd mention it, since it's the only loophole I've heard of. And because I want to make sure we both have the same information. Jun-kun's my partner, so I shouldn't be keeping anything from him.
[ He could deny it, but he's been called out already. There's no real point in denying something when it's the truth, despite Jun being defiant in the past. It's written across his face, likely in the same loving-soft look he's giving Hiyori right this second. ]
Mhm, it's real tempting! I'll think 'bout it, alright~? Maybe breaking my routine for a couple of days won't hurt.
[ Even if it's when Jun goes for his morning jogs! Even with the past few months, he hasn't been able to break the routine, even if there's no Mary to take on her morning walks.
But Hiyori's right in assuming an incredulous look, even if it's not what he's met with. It's more confusion than anything else, eyes narrowing as Hiyori's words replay in his head with the equally cute flushed cheeks.
For starters, there's plenty for Jun to "not get"! Sure, Eve plays heavily into fanservice, the feigning touches and fake kisses, but isn't this a step too far? Granted, some might not agree! Fans who enjoy the closeness between them might faint if given an opportunity to watch Eve get to it. Better yet, as an audience member! But the fans here, or the people they might propose to watch, might only receive their card in return. ]
You're, uh, talkin' 'bout the stuff we do in private?
[ Even with the idea planted, it struggles to take hold and make sense in a way Jun understands. Because at the end of the day, they're still idols, even without being offered jobs here, despite Hiyori only stating moments ago. Won't it end their careers if this got out? Sure, Ibara might be able to salvage what little is left, but he can't salvage the part where they allowed people to watch. ]
But I know we wouldn't wanna cheat on each other, 'cause I'd rather die. Though, I'm sorta curious 'bout you knowing this loophole... Who's to say it works? And thinking 'bout people watchin' us... well, it seriously creeps me out.
[ Or, truthfully, makes him feel uncomfortable. Hiyori's the only person he's ever been intimate with, thinking it's still something to be cherished away from curious eyes. ]
'Cause what we do together is meant to be between us, right? Like the thing you say 'bout us bein' in our world of two. And dunno if I can perform, uh, with strangers watching us. I'll probably suffer from real bad stage fright.
[ Even then, Jun is unsure how he truly feels about the performance part. It sounds absurd, it's the truth, but isn't it Jun's own selfish want to keep this particular side of Hiyori to himself? The side no one else gets to see, all for him and no one else. What might happen if anyone else sees Hiyori in such a state? It'll be sure to invite some unnerving feelings.
As they continue exploring their newfound relationship and discovering what they enjoy together, will their feelings for one another change once they've performed these acts for strangers? Or will their feelings last? Jun knows he wants the latter, wanting to protect Hiyori from anyone and everyone, and further wanting to protect their love and hearts. But as it stands, his thoughts are selfish, wanting and wanting and not willing to compromise.
Or, more importantly, isn't it an ache of jealousy he feels whenever Jun truly muses about it? He's felt it before, back during Wonder Game, the agony of something before Nagi-senpai's comment. The throes of jealousy weren't a concept he'd ever felt before, but now, he felt the same sharp, piercing pang in his heart that he couldn't quite come to terms with. ]
It does sound pretty absurd, Ohii-san. 'Cause when it comes down to it, I dunno if I'll be normal 'bout anyone getting to see you the way I do.
[ He's honest about it, despite his mind telling him not to. But he's still selfish, even after Hiyori states he doesn't want to keep things from him because they're partners. Again, it's not about him, but something to ensure neither of them turns to stone. Jun can't accept it, even as Hiyori looks him in the eyes and squeezes his hands. It's comforting, but he'd rather the pangs of jealousy head somewhere else. ]
[He smiles triumphantly when Jun says he'll consider staying in bed longer.]
Nope, it shouldn't hurt at all. The extra sleep might even leave you feeling refreshed and ready to start your next workout~♪
[He won't ask Jun to sleep in with him every morning. Even Hiyori isn't that demanding. But staying in bed together slightly more often would be nice. And it'd give Jun plenty of time to admire his sleeping face!
It'd be nicer than the conversation they're currently having, anyway. That's for sure.
Jun is visibly struggling to wrap his head around things, which Hiyori can't fault him for. He's had more time to think about this than Jun has, turning the "loophole" over in his mind even as he put off discussing things. But here they are, finally talking, and now there's no hiding from all that the idea entails. Yes, he's talking about the stuff they do in private, and yes, they'd get in horrendous amounts of trouble if word ever got out at home. He wants to think the resort exists in its own separate world, that their actions here won't come back to haunt them later. But he doesn't know that for sure, and he isn't even sure that doing this will be enough to satisfy the resort. They could drag their clean images through the mud and still disappear. Which begs the question: is it worth it?
Even Hiyori's not sure. All he knows is that doing nothing to try to protect themselves is making him feel increasingly anxious. But then, if they end up doing it just so he can feel less anxious and it doesn't help protect them, won't that mean they dirtied their images for nothing? Then he'll have to live with the guilt forever.
... no. One thing at a time. He banishes those thoughts and focuses on Jun's first point, which is a valid one: do they even know for sure that the loophole works?]
Well, I guess we don't have proof yet... Although I'm not sure how we would get proof. We could try to survey people, but then we'd just have to take their word for it.
[The unspoken alternative is that they could find out by trial and error. But is Jun even willing to do this? What about him? Is he willing to do it? The latter is a bit complicated, but as for the former...
The vibe he gets is "no." Jun says he finds the idea creepy. Which, well... who could blame him? It is creepy! Hiyori bought that canopy because he didn't like the idea of the House spying. True, being spied on by an unseen evil entity does seem somewhat different from being watched by a fellow guest. But is that a good difference or a bad one? At least an invisible entity is easier to ignore...
"Creepiness" isn't the only hurdle. Jun brings up some more objections after that, and those are also valid points. What they do is just between them, their own "world of two." Jun isn't sure he could, er, "perform" in front of other people, even though he's a performer by trade. But that still makes sense, because this is a very different type of "performance" than what they're used to! And then he brings up a third point, and it's that one which leaves the biggest impact on Hiyori.
"I dunno if I'll be normal 'bout anyone getting to see you the way I do."
At first he just blinks. Then his cheeks start to color more. Not from embarrassment, this time; it's more like he's touched. For all the (very good) reasons not to do this, that was one he'd never considered. But it's Jun who brings it up. And instead of telling him to think about their careers or their images, or how Ibara would kill them, or how it's too weird or too perverted, Jun's chief objection is this: he doesn't want to share him with anyone else. Not even just his faces or reactions; not one single part of him.
This realization leaves a deep impression on him, quieting him for a moment, before he nods.]
... so that's it.
[The smallest of smiles forms on his lips.]
I understand now. Jun-kun wants that side of me all to himself.
[Maybe it's silly for him to be happy. Jun feeling that way makes things harder, after all. But he does feel happy, as well as relieved. The whole reason they were in this mess, Hiyori figured, was because of his selfish love: because he wanted to keep Jun all to himself. Now it turns out Jun felt the same way all along, and it's not just flattering; it's a weight off his chest.
And he was a fool not to consider that Jun might've been the exact same as him. Wasn't he? Because after all,]
I'm the same way.
[He squeezes Jun's hands again, still smiling.]
I don't like the thought of anyone else seeing Jun-kun's cute faces. Jun-kun's face, voice, body, heart and soul all belong to me during those times. Which is exactly how it should be! I do like showing off my cute face, but the way I get with Jun-kun is sort of... well...
[He blushes harder and trails off. There isn't usually a mirror around when he has sex with Jun, but he knows he can't look dignified. He gets embarrassed, his head turns to mush, and he'll hear himself start saying things that sound like nonsense. Like that time at the start of the week, when Jun wore that collar: although he'd meant to stay in control, holding the reins both literally and figuratively, he'd ended up going totally delirious, saying all sorts of things about how Jun was such a good boy, such a good pet, and he was so proud to be Jun's owner, and so on. If anyone had been around to hear, he would've died from embarrassment. Good thing his next Mating Season profile won't make the petplay public knowledge or anything!
So, it's a valid point. On both sides. He doesn't want other people seeing the side of him that only Jun sees, and he doesn't want them seeing the side of Jun that only he brings out. Which means what? It means they can't do this. That's what.
.... or at least...
His expression shifts again, going from embarrassed to contemplative. He speaks slowly.]
You don't want anyone else seeing that side of me, and I don't want anyone else seeing you the same way I do. So, the most sensible thing would be to try and find some other way.
[To protect themselves from disappearing, that is.]
But if Jun-kun is curious, I did just think of two ways this could still work. In theory, anyway. I don't know about in practice. And I certainly don't want either one of us to get hurt. So, if Jun-kun wants me to drop this whole idea because he doesn't like it, I won't say anything more.
[But if he does want him to continue, well... He'd better buckle up, because this is about to get even weirder.]
Just don't hog the blankets next time, Ohii-san. Maybe that'll want me to stay longer!
[ He jokes, throwing a quick jab through the nice part of their conversation. Though Hiyori's not too far off! Seeing his cute, sleeping face each morning is worth getting up for and staying longer in bed for.
It is nicer than the rest of the conversation they're having, anyhow!
Jun is still visibly struggling, trying to wrap his head around the idea without all his feelings bursting out and making a mess of this. He's not looking to belittle Hiyori's idea or whomever pushed the idea onto him, only to get to the bottom of it. If it's indeed the "safer" option, why hasn't anyone else made use of it? His mind won't stop going back to the same point, struggling to comprehend how the loophole might help them in any way.
Now isn't the time to think about how it may harm their careers, and it's not the first point that comes to Jun's mind either. He could rather care less what Ibara may or may not think, knowing it's not any of his business. Even if he's Eden's producer, fellow unitmate, and friend, their relationship doesn't need a third person hovering around. And it's bigger than their fans finding out, sullying their own images for a way out, and expecting their fans to continuously love and support Eden and Eve afterwards. Right now, it's their decision, not to be construed by a third or fourth party. ]
Yeah, guess we don't... But don't want you thinkin' I'm tryna play down your ideas.
[ "Surveying people?" Now, it's a little bit more complicated. Jun figures Hiyori wouldn't want to do this, especially since their room is set up with their own privacy canopy.
But now Hiyori's view has seemed to change, or at least, be semi-open to the idea. From Jun's perspective, anyway. Does Hiyori want to do this? It's difficult to completely read his current expression, not wanting his partner to feel any worse than he does currently with denial. Instead, it's better to focus on the other factors. Sure, Jun still thinks it's creepy—finding someone who wants in and a further look into their private life. Besides, couldn't the potential voyeur request something novel that they haven't yet experienced for themselves? Sure, they're both performances by trade and Jun's rather proud of his ability of improvisation. But performing intimate acts for another party isn't what he had in mind! Even then, it should be both of their decisions, what if Hiyori wants to do this? What right would Jun have to deny him of it?
... not that he believes Hiyori's gung ho about the idea, it's only the hypothetical thoughts where the anxiousness begins to bleed in.
Although they recognise the unsettling creepiness and the implications of what this might bring, Jun ultimately decides against going through with it due to those feelings for Hiyori. While not typically a jealous person, the unwillingness to share even a fraction of Hiyori with anyone else, ultimately wins out. Here he'll at least acknowledge the selfishness of his stance, viewing his sudden possessiveness as an undesirable character flaw, akin to a monstrous impulse.
But to his surprise, Hiyori doesn't see his jealousy as a character flaw. (Why would he, especially when he always claims Jun as his?) Meaning, he shouldn't have thought Hiyori might be turned off by it, he knows that. So, why? ]
... yeah, yeah, that's why, Ohii-san.
[ He finally admits, only looking up once Hiyori admits he's the same way. It's a relief, something he truly should've considered much earlier. Jun's lip curves into a small smile, feeling the weight lifted off, knowing Hiyori feels and wants the same. ]
That's how it feels for me, too. I didn't wanna admit it, 'cause what sorta real person gets jealous 'bout something he's still gonna join in on? But seeing you all flustered, and all the stuff that comes outta your mouth seriously feels good.
[ Including how he acts with Jun, the often delirious state they both end up in. Speaking almost nonsense to one another, all because they're far too intoxicated with one another to think straight. It's something Jun has yet to consider, the way Hiyori acts with him might be unique. Something he certainly hasn't until now, given his partner's answer. Geez, Jun's such an idiot.
He squeezes Hiyori's hands, wanting him to know he's still here, listening to all he has to say. ]
But I get what you're tryna say. It feels a lil' unfair of me, right? You're the one comin' up with all the ideas, and here I am, feeling kinda stuck and useless. I'd never think 'bout hurting Ohii-san, and he wouldn't hurt me. So, I'll suck it up and deal with it, huh?
[ He sounds rather conflicted, wanting to sort this out without hurting one another.
The most sensible idea would be to find another way or a way where they might be able to go through with this but forget about the other party watching. He still doesn't want anyone to see the side of Hiyori he sees, and the side of himself Hiyori sees. It hurts, but with the added reassurance Hiyori feels the same, he's so relieved. ]
I'm not fully on board but just lay it on me. I'll hear ya out, Ohii-san, and we'll decide together. How's that sound?
[Sharing. That's what they've been doing for the bulk of their time here. Sharing a room, sharing a bed, sharing chips and food and other necessities, and sharing information about the resort. Before he knew it, they were sharing just about everything. They really do live in their own "world of two."
Can they really invite other people into that private little world...?
It's hard to decide whether he's open to it or not. In truth, he feels conflicted. He considers it a "lesser evil" compared to playing the game normally, but is there any part of him that truly wants this?
There might be. Deep down inside him, there might be some small, secret part of himself that finds the whole idea intriguing. It's the performer in him: the part of him that likes being seen as sexy and desirable. The part that craves attention, and loves to feel people's eyes on him, watching with adulation. But "that" sort of performance would end his idol career, and he's also just plain embarrassed to admit to those desires, so he hasn't looked at them too closely.
Regardless, he still has reservations, and the most significant would be Jun's reaction. If Jun doesn't want to do this, then that's that; he refuses to sour their relationship and make his partner uncomfortable. He doesn't want Jun to "suck it up and deal." When Jun uses that phrasing, it grates on him, striking him as wrong. He almost scolds Jun for it, almost tells him he shouldn't be sucking it up and dealing with something like that. But then Jun clarifies, saying that he's not on board, but he's willing to listen—that's it, that's all he meant—so Hiyori can relax.
A little, anyway. Not a lot. They are still in the midst of an embarrassing, nerve-wracking conversation about their intimate life. Still, he gives a short nod in response to Jun's words.]
Mm. You've always been good about heeding my "unreasonable requests," but I'd never decide something like that on my own.
[If they do this, it'll be a decision they make together. That's how it is, and that's how it should be.
He's still not sure they should do it. As he sits there facing Jun, who's already voiced his reaction, and who's looking to him for guidance, he can't help but feel uneasy. What exactly is the right decision? They've been placed in such a ridiculous and unfair situation that he's just not sure. But if they did do this, even hypothetically... well. He has a few ideas about how to make things more bearable.
He takes a breath and begins.]
Neither of us wants to "share." Which makes sense, because Jun-kun and I belong to each other! But, well, if we did do something like that in front of someone else... instead of "sharing," maybe we could see it as "declaring ownership."
[His cheeks color a bit more. He holds up his free hand, waving a finger in the air as he makes his point.]
For example, if Jun-kun left a bitemark on me while someone else watched, it'd be sort of like he's saying, "Hiyori Tomoe is mine. That dazzling existence is mine alone, and you can't ever have him. You can look, but you can't touch, because that's my job!"
[After he finishes, his cheeks growing steadily redder, his eyes watching Jun for a reaction. This is another reason this conversation is so difficult: he's afraid of giving away too many of his own desires. He's embarrassed by them, and he's afraid of weirding out Jun! Which is why he rushes to clarify,]
That was just an example. I'm not saying you should do that. But there's also another thing I thought of...
[He pauses again, and then admits:]
When I'm with Jun-kun, I start to loose control of myself. My head goes all mushy, and it feels like I'm floating away somewhere. It's sort of embarrassing, but Jun-kun said he likes seeing that side of me, so I don't mind showing it to him!
[He declares this confidently, despite the persistent blush on his face.]
I'm not too keen on showing it to someone else, though. So I wonder if it might be easier to treat it like a play. I'm not saying we should fake anything. But if we had roles we were acting out, then it might feel more like the kind of performances we're used to. Like if Jun-kun was a sailor and I was a mermaid, as one example, and we acted out a love scene, then...
[He trails off, his blush deepening yet again, and he clears his throat before he finishes:]
But that's just one idea! And it's still all hypothetical.
[Now for another, lengthier pause, before he peeks at his partner and asks:]
Sounds better if we share and I'll let ya hog 'em.
[ He quickly shakes his head, knowing or rather attempting to win an argument with Hiyori is almost the same as finding a needle in a haystack. Despite his complaints, it doesn't bother him much, or at least, it shouldn't.
There's the word again, "sharing," and he's keenly aware that's mostly what they have been doing since they arrived here. However, despite the similarities to home, the dynamics here have stayed the same. Surprisingly, the way Hiyori has been wording this whole idea, even if it's only softening the blow, still feels wrong. Maybe it's not due to Jun feeling uncomfortable by it, but rather having to "share" Hiyori with someone else, or perhaps it's due to him not being able to truly put the idea into perspective. Still, Jun's added drowsiness might be another factor. Are his feelings of jealousy understandable, even when he can't articulate them without sounding like a green-eyed monster? Not when Hiyori continues, stating again how they belong to each other makes perfect sense.
Gradually he has become more comfortable with physical touch, no longer brushing Hiyori off, instead welcoming them. So it's understandable to him—without giving the idea much thought—he'd clearly grapple their hypothetical scenario. Here, it's impossible to tell why Hiyori is blushing. (Is it due to him wanting to do this and also wanting others to watch them "get busy" with each other?)
But the idea makes him extra nervous, and for the same reason it bothers him. ]
I know.. I know you'd never do something like that without checkin' in first. But I'm just struggling with the idea, Ohii-san.
[ But "declaring ownership"? Won't that only make him seem even more jealous?
Hiyori suggests that acting out a play, or playing the roles of lovers on stage, could make it easier for them. This approach only allowed Past-Jun to manage his feelings for a long time, as it's easier to "switch off" when performing. But they've never acted out this scenario with the two of them before, with someone else watching. Performing for a single audience member would probably be more challenging, especially given the "performance" Hiyori's alluding to. ]
You're sayin' a lotta stuff, but it's what you want, yeah? The bitting thing? I dunno if you'd come out and say it. 'Cause I guess I'll say it's pretty much the same for me. When we're together, I wanna leave marks all across Ohii-san's smooth skin 'til he can't take it. And 'course there's no one else I'd wanna see like that! 'Cause honestly, you're pretty all the time, but seeing ya like that is somethin' else...
[ He's still not completely convinced, but it's also true that he doesn't want anyone else to see Hiyori like he does. It's a breath of relief Hiyori's also confirmed he doesn't want anyone else to see, either. ]
But our options are sorta limited, and maybe I just need time to warm up to the idea. 'Sides, on top of that, I dunno if we'd be able to really act it out. Y'know... I'm talking 'bout the love scene! And us bein' a sailor and mermaid kinda feels familiar is all!
[ His voice carries a newfound shyness, a small blush blooming on his cheeks. Jun hesitates to mention it aloud, but he's shyly trying to refer to the time at Weiss's party. ]
So, I guess treatin' it like a play might work. But it's like I said, I'm just afraid and sorta struggling with reading what you seriously want outta this.
[ After a lengthy pause of his own, he takes a moment to fully process everything. ]
Well, what I think is, I'm pretty terrified. Not just doing this but also 'bout acting all possessive by accident or something... and it'll end up turning into some huge turnoff.
Well, if I do end up hogging them, that just means you'll have to hug me to keep warm...♪
[Which means they've reached an agreement on blanket-sharing. But as for the other stuff...
He's still nervous. They haven't done anything yet, but what if simply putting the idea out there changes everything between them? What if it makes him sound like... well, you know. Like a pervert!
It's why he's blushing so much and having such a hard time. He doesn't want Jun to think badly of him. Especially as he reveals the specific scenarios he's thought about—acting out different roles together, or having Jun claim him in front of others. At that point, it starts to sound less like he's trying to protect their lives here, and more like he's talking about his own interests.
... When of course it isn't like that! He only brought this stuff up because he thought it was the only way to meet their captor's demands without compromising on their relationship. And he only brought up things like acting out roles and biting because he thought it might make the other stuff more bearable! ... that's all!
But that doesn't mean he doesn't want that stuff for his own reasons. After he finishes pouring out his secret thoughts, Jun cuts right to the point. "It's what you want, yeah?" he asks. And at that, Hiyori flushes even harder.]
That's—
[He opens his mouth to protest.
... but then stops short when Jun admits he likes it too. The biting, that is.
It causes him to simmer down. Hearing that Jun likes to leave marks "all over his smooth skin" makes his heart skip. He already knew that, of course, but it's another thing to hear him say it, and it alleviates most of his embarrassment.]
Well, since Jun-kun also likes it, there's no problem with it. Might as well put those sharp teeth to good use! ♪
[But what about putting them to good use in front of other people?
That's the difference here. They've never done that stuff in front of someone else. It's the source of Jun's hesitation, the reason he's struggling with the idea. But in the same breath, he says he might just need more time to warm up to the idea. So it's not that he absolutely won't do it, he's just... unsure. Because of embarrassment, and because he doesn't know if he can "perform" properly. Right?
No, that's not all. There's one final source of hesitation, and Hiyori's eyes widen when he hears. Jun-kun, his Jun-kun is afraid...
Of "acting all possessive" by accident and turning him off?
It's such an unexpected worry that all he can do is stare for a moment. But Jun is completely serious, it seems: shy and awkward and afraid. He and Jun...
They really are alike.]
That's, well... I wouldn't worry about that last thing.
[He responds after a pause, seeming only a little less awkward.]
Not that I want to make you feel jealous, of course. I want you to feel good when you're with me! And it's really other people who ought to be jealous of you, since you get to be with me. But supposing you did get jealous, and you left more marks behind than usual, or... or you got a bit rougher...
[He trails off momentarily, his cheeks blazing at the scene that just unfolded in his head. Did he just imagine a jealous Jun-kun aggressively laying claim to him in front of someone else? You bet! Not quite looking at Jun, he finishes:]
It'd take more than that to drive me off. I'd still enjoy it, since it's with Jun-kun!
Not that I mean to discount your worries. You can take a while to think it over if you need to. And if you have any more concerns, we can discuss those, too. I just don't want you thinking that being too "possessive" is a problem. If you chained me up and refused to let me see sunlight, that'd be one thing. But I know Jun-kun wouldn't do that. And since you're lucky enough to have me as a partner, it seems to me that you should be possessive.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
man I desperately need more sad/crying icons
[He's silent in response to those initial words. Of course he agrees that what she said sounded absurd. But was their fate really set in stone? Getting kidnapped and ending up in this place certainly wasn't in his plans.
It's difficult and frustrating. He wants to believe Jun is right: that they're fated to achieve their dreams together with Eden, and that this hasn't changed despite what they've endured here. But even he can't say their time in this place hasn't changed either of them. Suppose time is frozen outside of the resort, as some people have optimistically suggested—even if they're able to go back home and compete in SS like no time at all has passed, will they really be the same people? He wants to believe their fans won't notice, or that they at least won't think poorly of the difference. And he also wants to think that he and Jun would've ended up together even without this place—it just would've taken more time. But still.
He's unable to articulate what he thinks in this regard. It's late, he's exhausted, he's sick with worry, and he's still suffering from that deathly cold feeling and that mental overload brought about by the connection with Esikko. It's a constant headache, and all those thoughts get scattered anyway when Jun pins him with a question that makes his chest hurt. Guilt squeezes his heart, churning in his stomach when he hears how bothered Jun sounds. And why shouldn't he be? What excuse does Hiyori have? He stares down at his own lap miserably.]
I'm sorry.
[It's a rare apology from him, shamefaced and defeated-sounding. But it doesn't answer Jun's question. Why didn't he tell him? Even he's not really sure.
But, well, Jun didn't seem to take the other stuff she said seriously. And he didn't want to utterly spoil the mood between them or make Jun anxious. And he's been so anxious himself since he heard that that he just didn't want to address it or think about it. He's told a few other people about the quest with Jin Mingming, people he promised to exchange information with, and when he passed on what she said, he left that part out, then, too. He didn't want to face the truth, even if that "truth" wasn't a sure thing. Because if what she said is true, then...
Then their little "world of two" is over.
Hiyori sits in silence, trying to think and feeling miserable, wishing desperately that things were different. Despite his hurt, Jun tries to dispel his worries. And it's not all empty words: it's true that he doesn't know what'll happen, and that Jin Mingming doesn't know either. She said herself that she wasn't sure. But even so...
He thinks, briefly, about all the things going on with Nagisa at home, about all the evils he's vaguely heard about lurking within the industry. All those things he refused to consider a part of his perfect world. And he wonders if it's just going to hurt them, to keep burying their heads in the sand.
He hears that intake of breath, looking up when Jun asks that last question. This time, Jun sounds less sure of himself. Less sure about him, too, perhaps. After a long beat of silence, all Hiyori says is this:]
I don't know.
[It's quiet, a bit helpless. It's both an answer to Jun's question about whether he believes what she said, and an answer to the earlier one about how she even knows this stuff in the first place. He doesn't know. He looks down at the bedcovers again.]
I just know I'd never forgive myself if that happened. I know Ibara and our fans and all your loved ones wouldn't forgive me, either. I'm supposed to protect Jun-kun. We're partners, so we ought to look out for each other. That's why, if doing what our captors say and playing in Game 52 really is the safest way to live here, I should've suggested we do that.
[Then, before Jun can cut in, he looks up, meeting his eyes again and continues,]
I know you didn't want to. And I didn't want you to force yourself. I thought playing that sort of game would reflect terribly on us as idols. I was worried about things like that. But...
[He trails off, his voice wobbling as another almost-sob wracks him. And then he looks at Jun almost plaintively, tears welling in his eyes.]
In the end, those were just convenient excuses. I wanted to keep Jun-kun all to myself. That's been my selfish motive all along. And now I'm scared they'll hurt you to punish me for it.
i feel that... enstars make your characters cry more please and thanks
How can he believe random words from a woman neither of them knows? It's not only Jun kicking up a fuss, he's framing it genuinely as a question because, in his eyes, it all sounds ridiculous. Somehow this hurts even more when Hiyori can't look at him, apologising into his lap. Does he mean the apology? He bites the inside of his mouth, listening to how defeated Hiyori sounds, and his chest feels even heavier. ]
Don't apologise less you mean it.
[ Jun isn’t trying to start a fight, but he wishes Hiyori would at least look at him. Without honesty, nothing seems to matter, and he wonders what kind of relationship they have. The anxiety inside him is growing, pushing him toward the worst possible thoughts.
Despite feeling at his lowest, Jun can’t help but try to reassure Hiyori. His love for him is absurdly intense, to the point where it feels almost sickeningly sweet. He realises he can’t stay angry at Hiyori, no matter what he does or how much he keeps hidden.
It does come across as helpless, and Jun can't pretend it was the answer he’d hoped for. In a situation that demands absolute certainty, this uncertainty is unsettling. He begins to wonder if confessing his feelings was a mistake—perhaps it would have been better to keep them to himself, avoiding all of this turmoil.
What frustrates him even more is when Hiyori starts speaking again, assuming something about him that’s completely untrue. A strong urge to interrupt settles in, wanting to correct Hiyori’s misconceptions, but he holds back and waits for him to finish. ]
Hey, come here.
[ He’s not trying to sound annoyed; he only wants to shake off the frustration that's been bugging him. He knows he’s probably overthinking things, as he always does.
Is any of this really Hiyori’s fault? Shouldn't Jun be there to support him, no matter what? It makes him question if he even has a right to be annoyed. Being in this place is already stressful enough, so what could make it worse? With Hiyori around, things have been much better, and everything has begun to make sense.
With a soft smile, he half-opens his arms, hoping to comfort Hiyori. He’d rather not see Hiyori on the verge of tears, especially once feeling frustrated.
In the end, Jun wishes he could assure Hiyori that everything might be alright. But he feels powerless to do so from where he stands. Despite knowing Hiyori's selfish tendencies, which have been known for years, there's far too much he wants to convey. Especially when it comes to those so-called "convenient excuses." ]
Just come right into my arms, Ohii-san. I'm not gonna say a thing 'til you do.
crosses fingers for Hiyori to be crying uncontrollably in his next unbloomed 5*
Of course I...
[meant it. But he fails to finish the sentence again.
He really does feel ashamed. Not just for failing to tell Jun everything Jin Mingming said, but for his own selfishness all along. It's a weight off his chest to confess to some of that now—to admit his motivations were self-serving since the beginning. And yet he's afraid of how Jun will react to that, too. Jun might just tell him he's being silly, but what if he doesn't? Hiyori never told him he had feelings for him all along. Since before the Springtime game, and even before they got kidnapped here. It's just one more thing he hasn't been fully honest about.
The one with the burdensome feelings is him. Not Jun. This is something he's internalized so strongly that he sees it as unbreakable truth. It's still what he believes, and the sad and helpless look on Jun's face only reinforces that idea. He can't help but feel like he's responsible for Jun's pain right now. If he'd just been able to let go of Jun-kun... No, if he'd just been able to look out for Jun-kun as his senior, without letting his true feelings interfere...
But while he's cycling through useless thoughts like that and falling deeper into despair, Jun does something wholly unexpected.
He smiles.
It's so warm, so soft and gentle that it stuns him. He stares at Jun's face, at Jun's outstretched arms, with an expression full of surprise. And then his vision blurs, fresh tears filling his eyes.]
M...
[His hesitation melts away, alongside any thoughts about being the "responsible" senior. Never mind whether he should've taken better care of Jun; with Jun offering to take care of him, he feels like he's been thrown a lifeline. All he can do is obey, crawling closer on the bed and throwing his arms around Jun's neck.]
Mm!
[He hums his assent, high and almost broken, before he sniffles again. Pressing his hot, teary face into Jun's shoulder, clinging more tightly to him than ever, he murmurs,]
I'm here.
[And I always will be, he realizes. Even if being here puts them both in danger. It's just too late to separate himself from Jun without losing half his heart in the process, and in that sense, maybe they've finally lived up to the ideal of Eve: "two souls in one," intertwined and inextricable from each other.]
well now you've said it!!! conquest pt.2
But when you're unsure when your own feelings changed and when Hiyori became an important person to him, he'll never know. From the beginning, he'd always been important to Jun, despite being unsure about life. Maybe Jun had been in love with him before coming here and hadn't realised it, the comfort he's always felt may have been love. But the thought doesn't matter right now. All that matters is comforting Hiyori as he needs it.
And it's something he's committed to for the rest of his life. From SS to their dorm life afterwards, and now in a place filled with temptation around every corner. Even with those thoughts, no one has ever occupied his thoughts as much. Even with the realisation they're inseparable, he's well aware of how miserable life would be without the comfort of having one another close. He's more than realised life can't go back to how it once was.
Hiyori exudes warmth despite the tears, with Jun tenderly embracing him, offering comfort. ]
And I'm not gonna go anywhere, Ohii-san.
[ He murmurs gently into Hiyori's hair, placing tender kisses against his forehead. Jun's fingers weave through the strands, offering soothing words of comfort and gentle hums as he embraces Hiyori more tightly. ]
... seriously, none of this really matters if ya don't know or feel confused 'bout it. There's stuff 'bout me I'm never gonna share with anyone else, but I'm gonna say this: I doubt my parents give a damn 'bout where I am. They're probably real relieved I'm gone, and that's got nothing to do with you not looking out for me. What I'm tryna say is... my real "loved ones" are you guys in Eden. And Ibara's gonna be pissed we're both gone. You mighta not realised it, but you've been looking out for me way more than you know.
[ His hand moves to rub circles across Hiyori's back, smoothing down the cresses in his shirt as best he can. ]
That sorta game is gonna reflect poorly on us as idols, and you think I didn't know that from the beginning? I knew nothing before coming here, but coming here and reading the stuff 'bout the Game 52 and the House, and these damn Watches... To be real honest, I wouldn't survive being here without Ohii-san.
[ It’s not just because they’re together now. He’s scared of who he might become without his partner, especially in a place that’s a lot like the old Reimei. He never wants to go through that again.
Seeing how Hiyori looks at him with such a sad expression, almost as if there's a heartrending, mournful gaze behind it, breaks his heart. ]
You have no idea how much you've already had me, whether you think you're bein' selfish or not. And yeah, guess part of me is a bit selfish too. 'Cause it's seriously embarrassing, but I wanted you to want me just as much as I wanted you. Err... I sorta hoped that's all...
[ Honestly, Jun should’ve seen it coming. He should have noticed how Hiyori acted back home, but it just flew right over his head. ]
Hey, no one's gonna punish me, alright~? I've got pretty thick skin, but since you're worried 'bout it... just talk to me. Nothing scares me anymore, Ohii-san.
[ Each word is honest, filled with determination and love. He offers another warm smile, softly gliding his thumb beneath Hiyori's tear ducts, trying to dry them up. ]
time for Eden to disband (jk) (also 1/2)
Despite the comfort Jun provides, his heart still hurts. Especially when Jun says his family would be relieved he's gone. He wants to dispute that, even after what Jun said about his parents during the memory share. And he wants to say that even if Jun's parents truly don't care, that there are still others back home who will miss him, who are missing right now if time isn't frozen. His fans, people from ES, even his gruff younger roommate.
But he doesn't. He just sits there clinging to Jun, listening to him talk about how Eden is his family, now—that hurts to hear too, when they've both been separated from the rest of their unit for so long. But at the same, he's glad for it. It makes his heart soar. The unit he hoped could become a home to Jun really did become one. And the one who brought him into that unit, out of his dark and dingy alleyway and into the limelight... that was him, wasn't it?
He thinks about that, and about Jun's next words. Rubbing circles on his back, Jun says he's looked out for him more than he knows. But he doesn't list the obvious stuff, like inviting him to his room to keep him out of the basement—Hiyori knows he's done some helpful things. It just hasn't felt like enough, with the looming threat of turning into statues hanging over their heads.
But Jun says he wouldn't survive without him, citing Game 52, and that's a jolt to Hiyori.
It's been a while since they talked about the game. Neither one of them has been playing, after all. And so there's nothing to talk about. But he can still remember sitting on that bench in the shopping center, reading those instructions on their watch and feeling nauseated as well as embarrassed. Jun had looked awkward. Which, well—how could he not look awkward? Hiyori had felt awkward, too, as well as disgusted. He doesn't like crude things. But Jun must have felt even worse. He had no experience. He said he only wanted to do that sort of thing with someone he cared about deeply. And Hiyori can remember how he felt when he heard that. It wasn't just selfishness—he wanted to protect his partner's innocence. It would've been tragic, he thought, for Jun to end up the same way he used to be.
He sits in silence, and he realizes that what he did wasn't wrong. He made sure Jun had his first time with someone who loves him. Someone he cared about in return, even if he hadn't realized it was "love" yet. Isn't that a good thing? That was what Jun said he wanted. So if it wasn't wrong of him to claim Jun's first time for himself, then where did he go wrong? Not letting Jun go afterwards?
He could've done that. Let him collect other cards and try to play the game properly. He could've stood by his side as his partner without trying to monopolize him. That's all stuff he could've done in theory. But in practice, that would've been impossible. Sleeping with the person you love, and then letting them go, handing them off to fifty other people—who could possibly do that? Forget being selfless. You'd have to be a saint. But would it really be a saintly thing to do? It wasn't what Jun wanted to happen. What Jun wanted...
Was him, apparently. Him and his own selfish wants. His selfish love, all for him.
Which means they both wanted the same thing all along. Doesn't it?
Hiyori pulls his face away slowly. There are tear tracks on his cheeks, which Jun wipes with his thumb. Accompanied by a beautiful smile, it feels like a heartfelt gesture. And at last, Hiyori smiles at him.]
Mm. Jun-kun's really brave.
[Braver than him. But he can't feel upset about it. This just means he'll just have to get braver himself, in order to stand by Jun's side as his partner. Isn't that right?
He releases Jun's back and reaches for his hands. Hiyori's are still cold, but he has faith that Jun will hold them anyway. Softly, he speaks.]
I'd be incredibly lonely, I think. If I was here without you, that is. I'm always grateful somewhere in my heart that Jun-kun is here. Even though I hate them for taking you, I'm still glad to have you by my side. It feels like a sweet relief. Because as partners, we should always be together.
[He smiles all throughout his little speech.]
2/2
It's not that I don't believe you. I know you're strong. You suffered all kinds of mistreatment, and yet you still didn't lose your resolve. But...
[He trails off with a sigh.]
I just can't stop worrying. I don't know what causes people to disappear, or if there's any surefire way to protect ourselves. It just feels like we ought to be doing something.
[He replays Jin Mingming's words in his head. The ones that spooked him so badly. His heart aches when he remembers. And then it starts to beat fast as he remembers something else that someone else said. Is now the time to bring that up...?
There's a pause before he continues.]
I don't mean playing in that game, of course. Both of us hate that idea, so that's out of the question.
[...]
But if there was some other way to get cards... like a loophole or something like that...
[Uh oh. Now his cheeks are starting to flush.]
noo don't give akira ideas!!! (she's just joking) 1/2
Despite Hiyori's nightmare, he’s grateful that he’s listening without argument. He has joked before about how Sakura-kun might be glad he’s gone, if only to enjoy the empty room, but what he’s saying now is anything but a joke.
Citing Game 52 hadn’t been in a negative sense; with Hiyori here, things could have turned out much worse. Jun might have lost himself and done anything to find a way back home. Back then he had zero experience, only ever having held someone's hand before, or being tugged along by Hiyori himself. Despite their circumstances, and the need to race back home to Nagi-senpai and Ibara, there's something special about them being here together. Being fully aware that Hiyori dislikes crude things—while in a place like this—it's a little difficult not to come across anything crude. So what can Jun do to counter it? Not a whole lot, but he's trying.
But when he recalls the conversation back then, it makes him think how long they've come since that day. The last thing he's sure either of them were expecting was this, where Jun's accepted being a touch selfish doesn't make you a bad person. He could have forgotten about it all, pretended as if nothing happened and gone back to how things were before the Springtime Game. But figuring out those feelings and realising he couldn't ever go back to how things once were, not now he knows, makes this worth it.
Maybe it was selfish of Jun to keep him like this, to allow them to become closer than ever, perhaps he should've put an end to it. But he's already admitted how his selfish thoughts wanted Hiyori, too, just as much. When Jun reflects on it, he feels relieved that Hiyori wasn’t put off and that it took him longer to sort out his true feelings. Things could have easily gone wrong back then; it wasn't ideal. The fear of rejection always hung over him, and if he had been a bit more perceptive, he might have realized that Hiyori liked him just as much.
To be with someone you love most in the world is a euphoric feeling, a feeling he hopes will never fade. ]
You seriously think I'm the brave one?
[ He laughs, still wiping his thumb across the tear tracks.
Jun squeezes the hands in his, running circles across his palms instead. Despite them feeling cold, it'll never bother him. He's accepted this now, accepting all of him and his love. Maybe love changed him, turned him softer... but it's for the best. The fond smile remains, eyes turned soft from hearing those sweet words. ]
We're always gonna be together, Ohii-san. But just know I'd be really lonely without you, too. And the same sorta relief washes over me whenever I see Ohii-san's sleeping face ♪
2/2
And I'm not tryna act all tough and brave, but being here isn't gonna shake my resolve. But it's 'cause we're both brave that nothing's gonna happen to us... Well, I'm pretty positive that's why, and we aren't 'boutta disappear.
[ But what can they really do? Jun doesn't believe that sleeping with a bunch of people will keep them around or prevent them from turning to stone. Besides, coming to terms with the idea of being intimate is the toughest part for him.
He’s a bit puzzled by Hiyori’s choice of words. What does he mean by a loophole to get cards? What exactly is going on...? Mixed with the flush of Hiyori's cheeks, he's perplexed, wanting to hear more. ]
... what're you talking 'bout a loophole for? Don't we hafta sleep with people to get their cards?
Akira sharpening knives in the background (1/2)
Eh?
[He flushes a bit, looking surprised. But still pleased!]
Jun-kun's been watching my sleeping face? Why, I never knew! ♪
2/2
This is tough. Jun says they won't disappear and Hiyori wants to believe him, but he can't. Not when he's noticed more and more people vanishing. Vil's two underclassmen, Robin-kun, that girl he woke up in bed with upon arrival... Give him a month or two and he'll notice Monika doesn't seem to be around anymore, either. (And that'll inspire some guilt on his part. Didn't he used to wish she'd go away?)
He has no proof that doing anything related to Game 52 will protect them. But he still feels like he should be making every effort to keep Jun safe. There's nothing he'd regret more than losing Jun.
Still, he can't bear the thought of doing something drastic and terrible. Like breaking up to sleep with other people. Or like deciding to sleeping around on each other during the day, and coming back to their room at night, knowing full well they've spend the day cheating on each other. Like they're in a marriage of convenience where fidelity means nothing. Those ideas make him feel sick, and going through with them would surely break both their hearts. He wants to protect their hearts and their lives.
But how? Is there any way to do that?
Jun asks him what he's talking about, what he means by a loophole. Now's the time to spill. But boy, is it difficult.]
That's what I thought, too. But someone here told me about a loophole. And someone else said something that sort of supported that...
[More heat gathers in his cheeks. It sounds like there's one more thing he hasn't told Jun about, which Jun can't be pleased to hear. But maybe when he finds out what the "loophole" is, he'll understand why Hiyori didn't rush off to tell him right away. Hiyori doesn't have any great excuse. But in a word? He was embarrassed.
And he still is embarrassed, squirming a little and fidgeting with Jun's hands.]
You get someone's card if you sleep with them, but apparently you also get it if you watch them with someone.
[Pause.]
Or if you get watched by them. You all get each other's cards. Or, well, at least I think that's how it works...
[He trails off, his face growing steadily even redder. The ever-confident Hiyori Tomoe sure looks awfully unconfident now.]
akira what do you have there (a knife)
[ He almost looks on forlon, with a knowing smile. Of course, he's been watching his partner's sleeping face! It's the first thing Jun sees every morning when he's the happiest person in the world.
Still, this is something he can't quite seem to fathom. No part of him currently feels as if he's about to disappear. And better yet, Jun's never felt better than ever! It's not as if he disbelieves the whole idea, not while Hiyori's upset, he feels like he should be doing something more to reassure him. But what can someone in Jun's shoes do? And he doesn't want to acknowledge something logical where they could disappear. Besides, they have each other, and nothing will happen as long as they stick together.
Sure, wouldn't the most logical thing to do would be to break up? Pretend as if nothing happened between them and move on. But the selfish part of Jun doesn't want that, he means to stick with Hiyori forever, through thick and thin.
But seeing the heat pool onto Hiyori's cheeks only leaves him with more questions. Is the answer something to be embarrassed about? And possibly why Hiyori is having difficulty being honest about said "loophole"? ]
Well, yeah... we read 'bout collecting cards, remember? And we know all 'bout it, too.
[ Because they've been collecting each other's cards for months!
Having Hiyori says you can collect someone's card from watching confuses him even more. How does this sort of loophole work? From all Jun knows, don't you receive a card each time you climax? Wouldn't that mean the people watching would have to get off?
But it's not the strangest thing Hiyori's said thus far.
Hearing people want to watch, or you can watch them... He tries to smooth his thumb over Hiyori's fidgeting hands, opening his mouth only to close it again. To him it seems strange, something he can't fathom even by words alone. It barely feels as if they've been together, and this place keeps pushing them into what this is. ]
... uh, how's something like that gonna work, Ohii-san? Maybe my heads not workin' 'cause it's pretty late, but you're serious 'bout this "loophole" thing?
[ He can't seem to think of anything worse! Jun's mind races as he struggles to comprehend Hiyori's words. Blinking a few times, and furrowing his brows, silence hangs heavy in the air as he holds Hiyori's gaze. ]
Sorry, but I don't really get it...
[ He trails off soon after, blinking between Hiyori's ever-reddening face and him sounding less confident by the second. Why would the House fall for an "easier" solution to playing the game? It makes no sense to him! ]
no subject
Then maybe you should stay sometimes. I know you have your morning routine, but it seems like it wouldn't hurt to sleep in every now and then. Especially since we don't have jobs here!
[Too bad there isn't any sleeping through this next conversation.
He's unable to maintain eye contact as he explains the "loophole." Only once he's finished does he look at Jun's face. He's sort of afraid of what he'll see there. An incredulous look would be the most logical assumption. He can only hope Jun isn't disturbed that he even suggested this. He can already hear the "Uh, is this some kinda joke?"
But Jun doesn't ask if it's a joke. Instead, with a confused frown on his face, he says he "doesn't really get it." Which just causes Hiyori's brow to furrow back in response. What's there to get?? But well, getting it and agreeing to it are two different things. ]
I meant... well... if someone, er... if they watched us together...
[His face grows even more red. Goodness this is hard.]
Or if we had an audience member or two, then... then we might be able to get cards without having to cheat on each other. I don't know why they'd allow that loophole. But if the goal is just to "share something intimate" with someone, then I guess I can see where that would still count.
[Or, less charitably, if the goal is to humiliate them and gather blackmail, then encouraging them to do "that" sort of performance together would suit the House's purposes just fine.
His stomach squirms, and he stumbles over his own words. Hua Cheng planted the seed about that "loophole" at the beginning of the month, so he's actually been thinking about this for a couple of weeks at this point. But it's one thing to think about something and another to voice the words out loud in front of Jun, who looks plainly baffled by what he's saying. It's not like he wants this. He hates the thought of capitulating to the resort's demands. And even as a performer, this goes far beyond "fanservice" and into the realm of the taboo. Something far more intimate. Something career-ending, if they were ever caught at home. They'd be dragging their sparkling clean images through the mud.
Still, when it comes to what he wants to protect, he has his priorities. And protecting his image—despite the fact that he spent years perfecting it, and despite the fact that he really, truly loves "the idol called Hiyori Tomoe" from the bottom of his heart—has simply less important to him than protecting their lives and their hearts. Than protecting Jun's life and Jun's heart.
But it's still a lot. The thought of doing that stuff in front of someone else, when he and Jun have been dating for only a few months. They've collected each other's "card" over and over, but there are still things they haven't tried on their own yet. Taking audience members at such an early point, when their relationship is still blossoming and they're still discovering what they like, does feel wrong. It's too much, too soon, this place always demanding more and more from them. Sometimes it seems like it won't be satisfied until it's drained them of everything. That, too, would line up with what Jin Mingming said.
But he still has something left in him. He squeezes Jun's hands tighter, looking straight into his eyes this time.]
I'm not saying we should do it. I know it sounds absurd. I just thought I'd mention it, since it's the only loophole I've heard of. And because I want to make sure we both have the same information. Jun-kun's my partner, so I shouldn't be keeping anything from him.
no subject
Mhm, it's real tempting! I'll think 'bout it, alright~? Maybe breaking my routine for a couple of days won't hurt.
[ Even if it's when Jun goes for his morning jogs! Even with the past few months, he hasn't been able to break the routine, even if there's no Mary to take on her morning walks.
But Hiyori's right in assuming an incredulous look, even if it's not what he's met with. It's more confusion than anything else, eyes narrowing as Hiyori's words replay in his head with the equally cute flushed cheeks.
For starters, there's plenty for Jun to "not get"! Sure, Eve plays heavily into fanservice, the feigning touches and fake kisses, but isn't this a step too far? Granted, some might not agree! Fans who enjoy the closeness between them might faint if given an opportunity to watch Eve get to it. Better yet, as an audience member! But the fans here, or the people they might propose to watch, might only receive their card in return. ]
You're, uh, talkin' 'bout the stuff we do in private?
[ Even with the idea planted, it struggles to take hold and make sense in a way Jun understands. Because at the end of the day, they're still idols, even without being offered jobs here, despite Hiyori only stating moments ago. Won't it end their careers if this got out? Sure, Ibara might be able to salvage what little is left, but he can't salvage the part where they allowed people to watch. ]
But I know we wouldn't wanna cheat on each other, 'cause I'd rather die. Though, I'm sorta curious 'bout you knowing this loophole... Who's to say it works? And thinking 'bout people watchin' us... well, it seriously creeps me out.
[ Or, truthfully, makes him feel uncomfortable. Hiyori's the only person he's ever been intimate with, thinking it's still something to be cherished away from curious eyes. ]
'Cause what we do together is meant to be between us, right? Like the thing you say 'bout us bein' in our world of two. And dunno if I can perform, uh, with strangers watching us. I'll probably suffer from real bad stage fright.
[ Even then, Jun is unsure how he truly feels about the performance part. It sounds absurd, it's the truth, but isn't it Jun's own selfish want to keep this particular side of Hiyori to himself? The side no one else gets to see, all for him and no one else. What might happen if anyone else sees Hiyori in such a state? It'll be sure to invite some unnerving feelings.
As they continue exploring their newfound relationship and discovering what they enjoy together, will their feelings for one another change once they've performed these acts for strangers? Or will their feelings last? Jun knows he wants the latter, wanting to protect Hiyori from anyone and everyone, and further wanting to protect their love and hearts. But as it stands, his thoughts are selfish, wanting and wanting and not willing to compromise.
Or, more importantly, isn't it an ache of jealousy he feels whenever Jun truly muses about it? He's felt it before, back during Wonder Game, the agony of something before Nagi-senpai's comment. The throes of jealousy weren't a concept he'd ever felt before, but now, he felt the same sharp, piercing pang in his heart that he couldn't quite come to terms with. ]
It does sound pretty absurd, Ohii-san. 'Cause when it comes down to it, I dunno if I'll be normal 'bout anyone getting to see you the way I do.
[ He's honest about it, despite his mind telling him not to. But he's still selfish, even after Hiyori states he doesn't want to keep things from him because they're partners. Again, it's not about him, but something to ensure neither of them turns to stone. Jun can't accept it, even as Hiyori looks him in the eyes and squeezes his hands. It's comforting, but he'd rather the pangs of jealousy head somewhere else. ]
no subject
Nope, it shouldn't hurt at all. The extra sleep might even leave you feeling refreshed and ready to start your next workout~♪
[He won't ask Jun to sleep in with him every morning. Even Hiyori isn't that demanding. But staying in bed together slightly more often would be nice. And it'd give Jun plenty of time to admire his sleeping face!
It'd be nicer than the conversation they're currently having, anyway. That's for sure.
Jun is visibly struggling to wrap his head around things, which Hiyori can't fault him for. He's had more time to think about this than Jun has, turning the "loophole" over in his mind even as he put off discussing things. But here they are, finally talking, and now there's no hiding from all that the idea entails. Yes, he's talking about the stuff they do in private, and yes, they'd get in horrendous amounts of trouble if word ever got out at home. He wants to think the resort exists in its own separate world, that their actions here won't come back to haunt them later. But he doesn't know that for sure, and he isn't even sure that doing this will be enough to satisfy the resort. They could drag their clean images through the mud and still disappear. Which begs the question: is it worth it?
Even Hiyori's not sure. All he knows is that doing nothing to try to protect themselves is making him feel increasingly anxious. But then, if they end up doing it just so he can feel less anxious and it doesn't help protect them, won't that mean they dirtied their images for nothing? Then he'll have to live with the guilt forever.
... no. One thing at a time. He banishes those thoughts and focuses on Jun's first point, which is a valid one: do they even know for sure that the loophole works?]
Well, I guess we don't have proof yet... Although I'm not sure how we would get proof. We could try to survey people, but then we'd just have to take their word for it.
[The unspoken alternative is that they could find out by trial and error. But is Jun even willing to do this? What about him? Is he willing to do it? The latter is a bit complicated, but as for the former...
The vibe he gets is "no." Jun says he finds the idea creepy. Which, well... who could blame him? It is creepy! Hiyori bought that canopy because he didn't like the idea of the House spying. True, being spied on by an unseen evil entity does seem somewhat different from being watched by a fellow guest. But is that a good difference or a bad one? At least an invisible entity is easier to ignore...
"Creepiness" isn't the only hurdle. Jun brings up some more objections after that, and those are also valid points. What they do is just between them, their own "world of two." Jun isn't sure he could, er, "perform" in front of other people, even though he's a performer by trade. But that still makes sense, because this is a very different type of "performance" than what they're used to! And then he brings up a third point, and it's that one which leaves the biggest impact on Hiyori.
"I dunno if I'll be normal 'bout anyone getting to see you the way I do."
At first he just blinks. Then his cheeks start to color more. Not from embarrassment, this time; it's more like he's touched. For all the (very good) reasons not to do this, that was one he'd never considered. But it's Jun who brings it up. And instead of telling him to think about their careers or their images, or how Ibara would kill them, or how it's too weird or too perverted, Jun's chief objection is this: he doesn't want to share him with anyone else. Not even just his faces or reactions; not one single part of him.
This realization leaves a deep impression on him, quieting him for a moment, before he nods.]
... so that's it.
[The smallest of smiles forms on his lips.]
I understand now. Jun-kun wants that side of me all to himself.
[Maybe it's silly for him to be happy. Jun feeling that way makes things harder, after all. But he does feel happy, as well as relieved. The whole reason they were in this mess, Hiyori figured, was because of his selfish love: because he wanted to keep Jun all to himself. Now it turns out Jun felt the same way all along, and it's not just flattering; it's a weight off his chest.
And he was a fool not to consider that Jun might've been the exact same as him. Wasn't he? Because after all,]
I'm the same way.
[He squeezes Jun's hands again, still smiling.]
I don't like the thought of anyone else seeing Jun-kun's cute faces. Jun-kun's face, voice, body, heart and soul all belong to me during those times. Which is exactly how it should be! I do like showing off my cute face, but the way I get with Jun-kun is sort of... well...
[He blushes harder and trails off. There isn't usually a mirror around when he has sex with Jun, but he knows he can't look dignified. He gets embarrassed, his head turns to mush, and he'll hear himself start saying things that sound like nonsense. Like that time at the start of the week, when Jun wore that collar: although he'd meant to stay in control, holding the reins both literally and figuratively, he'd ended up going totally delirious, saying all sorts of things about how Jun was such a good boy, such a good pet, and he was so proud to be Jun's owner, and so on. If anyone had been around to hear, he would've died from embarrassment.
Good thing his next Mating Season profile won't make the petplay public knowledge or anything!So, it's a valid point. On both sides. He doesn't want other people seeing the side of him that only Jun sees, and he doesn't want them seeing the side of Jun that only he brings out. Which means what? It means they can't do this. That's what.
.... or at least...
His expression shifts again, going from embarrassed to contemplative. He speaks slowly.]
You don't want anyone else seeing that side of me, and I don't want anyone else seeing you the same way I do. So, the most sensible thing would be to try and find some other way.
[To protect themselves from disappearing, that is.]
But if Jun-kun is curious, I did just think of two ways this could still work. In theory, anyway. I don't know about in practice. And I certainly don't want either one of us to get hurt. So, if Jun-kun wants me to drop this whole idea because he doesn't like it, I won't say anything more.
[But if he does want him to continue, well... He'd better buckle up, because this is about to get even weirder.]
no subject
[ He jokes, throwing a quick jab through the nice part of their conversation. Though Hiyori's not too far off! Seeing his cute, sleeping face each morning is worth getting up for and staying longer in bed for.
It is nicer than the rest of the conversation they're having, anyhow!
Jun is still visibly struggling, trying to wrap his head around the idea without all his feelings bursting out and making a mess of this. He's not looking to belittle Hiyori's idea or whomever pushed the idea onto him, only to get to the bottom of it. If it's indeed the "safer" option, why hasn't anyone else made use of it? His mind won't stop going back to the same point, struggling to comprehend how the loophole might help them in any way.
Now isn't the time to think about how it may harm their careers, and it's not the first point that comes to Jun's mind either. He could rather care less what Ibara may or may not think, knowing it's not any of his business. Even if he's Eden's producer, fellow unitmate, and friend, their relationship doesn't need a third person hovering around. And it's bigger than their fans finding out, sullying their own images for a way out, and expecting their fans to continuously love and support Eden and Eve afterwards. Right now, it's their decision, not to be construed by a third or fourth party. ]
Yeah, guess we don't... But don't want you thinkin' I'm tryna play down your ideas.
[ "Surveying people?" Now, it's a little bit more complicated. Jun figures Hiyori wouldn't want to do this, especially since their room is set up with their own privacy canopy.
But now Hiyori's view has seemed to change, or at least, be semi-open to the idea. From Jun's perspective, anyway. Does Hiyori want to do this? It's difficult to completely read his current expression, not wanting his partner to feel any worse than he does currently with denial. Instead, it's better to focus on the other factors. Sure, Jun still thinks it's creepy—finding someone who wants in and a further look into their private life. Besides, couldn't the potential voyeur request something novel that they haven't yet experienced for themselves? Sure, they're both performances by trade and Jun's rather proud of his ability of improvisation. But performing intimate acts for another party isn't what he had in mind! Even then, it should be both of their decisions, what if Hiyori wants to do this? What right would Jun have to deny him of it?
... not that he believes Hiyori's gung ho about the idea, it's only the hypothetical thoughts where the anxiousness begins to bleed in.
Although they recognise the unsettling creepiness and the implications of what this might bring, Jun ultimately decides against going through with it due to those feelings for Hiyori. While not typically a jealous person, the unwillingness to share even a fraction of Hiyori with anyone else, ultimately wins out. Here he'll at least acknowledge the selfishness of his stance, viewing his sudden possessiveness as an undesirable character flaw, akin to a monstrous impulse.
But to his surprise, Hiyori doesn't see his jealousy as a character flaw. (Why would he, especially when he always claims Jun as his?) Meaning, he shouldn't have thought Hiyori might be turned off by it, he knows that. So, why? ]
... yeah, yeah, that's why, Ohii-san.
[ He finally admits, only looking up once Hiyori admits he's the same way. It's a relief, something he truly should've considered much earlier. Jun's lip curves into a small smile, feeling the weight lifted off, knowing Hiyori feels and wants the same. ]
That's how it feels for me, too. I didn't wanna admit it, 'cause what sorta real person gets jealous 'bout something he's still gonna join in on? But seeing you all flustered, and all the stuff that comes outta your mouth seriously feels good.
[ Including how he acts with Jun, the often delirious state they both end up in. Speaking almost nonsense to one another, all because they're far too intoxicated with one another to think straight. It's something Jun has yet to consider, the way Hiyori acts with him might be unique. Something he certainly hasn't until now, given his partner's answer. Geez, Jun's such an idiot.
He squeezes Hiyori's hands, wanting him to know he's still here, listening to all he has to say. ]
But I get what you're tryna say. It feels a lil' unfair of me, right? You're the one comin' up with all the ideas, and here I am, feeling kinda stuck and useless. I'd never think 'bout hurting Ohii-san, and he wouldn't hurt me. So, I'll suck it up and deal with it, huh?
[ He sounds rather conflicted, wanting to sort this out without hurting one another.
The most sensible idea would be to find another way or a way where they might be able to go through with this but forget about the other party watching. He still doesn't want anyone to see the side of Hiyori he sees, and the side of himself Hiyori sees. It hurts, but with the added reassurance Hiyori feels the same, he's so relieved. ]
I'm not fully on board but just lay it on me. I'll hear ya out, Ohii-san, and we'll decide together. How's that sound?
no subject
[(Yes he does.)]
But fine, we can share them! ♪
[Sharing. That's what they've been doing for the bulk of their time here. Sharing a room, sharing a bed, sharing chips and food and other necessities, and sharing information about the resort. Before he knew it, they were sharing just about everything. They really do live in their own "world of two."
Can they really invite other people into that private little world...?
It's hard to decide whether he's open to it or not. In truth, he feels conflicted. He considers it a "lesser evil" compared to playing the game normally, but is there any part of him that truly wants this?
There might be. Deep down inside him, there might be some small, secret part of himself that finds the whole idea intriguing. It's the performer in him: the part of him that likes being seen as sexy and desirable. The part that craves attention, and loves to feel people's eyes on him, watching with adulation. But "that" sort of performance would end his idol career, and he's also just plain embarrassed to admit to those desires, so he hasn't looked at them too closely.
Regardless, he still has reservations, and the most significant would be Jun's reaction. If Jun doesn't want to do this, then that's that; he refuses to sour their relationship and make his partner uncomfortable. He doesn't want Jun to "suck it up and deal." When Jun uses that phrasing, it grates on him, striking him as wrong. He almost scolds Jun for it, almost tells him he shouldn't be sucking it up and dealing with something like that. But then Jun clarifies, saying that he's not on board, but he's willing to listen—that's it, that's all he meant—so Hiyori can relax.
A little, anyway. Not a lot. They are still in the midst of an embarrassing, nerve-wracking conversation about their intimate life. Still, he gives a short nod in response to Jun's words.]
Mm. You've always been good about heeding my "unreasonable requests," but I'd never decide something like that on my own.
[If they do this, it'll be a decision they make together. That's how it is, and that's how it should be.
He's still not sure they should do it. As he sits there facing Jun, who's already voiced his reaction, and who's looking to him for guidance, he can't help but feel uneasy. What exactly is the right decision? They've been placed in such a ridiculous and unfair situation that he's just not sure. But if they did do this, even hypothetically... well. He has a few ideas about how to make things more bearable.
He takes a breath and begins.]
Neither of us wants to "share." Which makes sense, because Jun-kun and I belong to each other! But, well, if we did do something like that in front of someone else... instead of "sharing," maybe we could see it as "declaring ownership."
[His cheeks color a bit more. He holds up his free hand, waving a finger in the air as he makes his point.]
For example, if Jun-kun left a bitemark on me while someone else watched, it'd be sort of like he's saying, "Hiyori Tomoe is mine. That dazzling existence is mine alone, and you can't ever have him. You can look, but you can't touch, because that's my job!"
[After he finishes, his cheeks growing steadily redder, his eyes watching Jun for a reaction. This is another reason this conversation is so difficult: he's afraid of giving away too many of his own desires. He's embarrassed by them, and he's afraid of weirding out Jun! Which is why he rushes to clarify,]
That was just an example. I'm not saying you should do that. But there's also another thing I thought of...
[He pauses again, and then admits:]
When I'm with Jun-kun, I start to loose control of myself. My head goes all mushy, and it feels like I'm floating away somewhere. It's sort of embarrassing, but Jun-kun said he likes seeing that side of me, so I don't mind showing it to him!
[He declares this confidently, despite the persistent blush on his face.]
I'm not too keen on showing it to someone else, though. So I wonder if it might be easier to treat it like a play. I'm not saying we should fake anything. But if we had roles we were acting out, then it might feel more like the kind of performances we're used to. Like if Jun-kun was a sailor and I was a mermaid, as one example, and we acted out a love scene, then...
[He trails off, his blush deepening yet again, and he clears his throat before he finishes:]
But that's just one idea! And it's still all hypothetical.
[Now for another, lengthier pause, before he peeks at his partner and asks:]
... what does Jun-kun think?
no subject
[ He quickly shakes his head, knowing or rather attempting to win an argument with Hiyori is almost the same as finding a needle in a haystack. Despite his complaints, it doesn't bother him much, or at least, it shouldn't.
There's the word again, "sharing," and he's keenly aware that's mostly what they have been doing since they arrived here. However, despite the similarities to home, the dynamics here have stayed the same. Surprisingly, the way Hiyori has been wording this whole idea, even if it's only softening the blow, still feels wrong. Maybe it's not due to Jun feeling uncomfortable by it, but rather having to "share" Hiyori with someone else, or perhaps it's due to him not being able to truly put the idea into perspective. Still, Jun's added drowsiness might be another factor. Are his feelings of jealousy understandable, even when he can't articulate them without sounding like a green-eyed monster? Not when Hiyori continues, stating again how they belong to each other makes perfect sense.
Gradually he has become more comfortable with physical touch, no longer brushing Hiyori off, instead welcoming them. So it's understandable to him—without giving the idea much thought—he'd clearly grapple their hypothetical scenario. Here, it's impossible to tell why Hiyori is blushing. (Is it due to him wanting to do this and also wanting others to watch them "get busy" with each other?)
But the idea makes him extra nervous, and for the same reason it bothers him. ]
I know.. I know you'd never do something like that without checkin' in first. But I'm just struggling with the idea, Ohii-san.
[ But "declaring ownership"? Won't that only make him seem even more jealous?
Hiyori suggests that acting out a play, or playing the roles of lovers on stage, could make it easier for them. This approach only allowed Past-Jun to manage his feelings for a long time, as it's easier to "switch off" when performing. But they've never acted out this scenario with the two of them before, with someone else watching. Performing for a single audience member would probably be more challenging, especially given the "performance" Hiyori's alluding to. ]
You're sayin' a lotta stuff, but it's what you want, yeah? The bitting thing? I dunno if you'd come out and say it. 'Cause I guess I'll say it's pretty much the same for me. When we're together, I wanna leave marks all across Ohii-san's smooth skin 'til he can't take it. And 'course there's no one else I'd wanna see like that! 'Cause honestly, you're pretty all the time, but seeing ya like that is somethin' else...
[ He's still not completely convinced, but it's also true that he doesn't want anyone else to see Hiyori like he does. It's a breath of relief Hiyori's also confirmed he doesn't want anyone else to see, either. ]
But our options are sorta limited, and maybe I just need time to warm up to the idea. 'Sides, on top of that, I dunno if we'd be able to really act it out. Y'know... I'm talking 'bout the love scene! And us bein' a sailor and mermaid kinda feels familiar is all!
[ His voice carries a newfound shyness, a small blush blooming on his cheeks. Jun hesitates to mention it aloud, but he's shyly trying to refer to the time at Weiss's party. ]
So, I guess treatin' it like a play might work. But it's like I said, I'm just afraid and sorta struggling with reading what you seriously want outta this.
[ After a lengthy pause of his own, he takes a moment to fully process everything. ]
Well, what I think is, I'm pretty terrified. Not just doing this but also 'bout acting all possessive by accident or something... and it'll end up turning into some huge turnoff.
1/2
[Which means they've reached an agreement on blanket-sharing. But as for the other stuff...
He's still nervous. They haven't done anything yet, but what if simply putting the idea out there changes everything between them? What if it makes him sound like... well, you know. Like a pervert!
It's why he's blushing so much and having such a hard time. He doesn't want Jun to think badly of him. Especially as he reveals the specific scenarios he's thought about—acting out different roles together, or having Jun claim him in front of others. At that point, it starts to sound less like he's trying to protect their lives here, and more like he's talking about his own interests.
... When of course it isn't like that! He only brought this stuff up because he thought it was the only way to meet their captor's demands without compromising on their relationship. And he only brought up things like acting out roles and biting because he thought it might make the other stuff more bearable! ... that's all!
But that doesn't mean he doesn't want that stuff for his own reasons. After he finishes pouring out his secret thoughts, Jun cuts right to the point. "It's what you want, yeah?" he asks. And at that, Hiyori flushes even harder.]
That's—
[He opens his mouth to protest.
... but then stops short when Jun admits he likes it too. The biting, that is.
It causes him to simmer down. Hearing that Jun likes to leave marks "all over his smooth skin" makes his heart skip. He already knew that, of course, but it's another thing to hear him say it, and it alleviates most of his embarrassment.]
Well, since Jun-kun also likes it, there's no problem with it. Might as well put those sharp teeth to good use! ♪
[But what about putting them to good use in front of other people?
That's the difference here. They've never done that stuff in front of someone else. It's the source of Jun's hesitation, the reason he's struggling with the idea. But in the same breath, he says he might just need more time to warm up to the idea. So it's not that he absolutely won't do it, he's just... unsure. Because of embarrassment, and because he doesn't know if he can "perform" properly. Right?
No, that's not all. There's one final source of hesitation, and Hiyori's eyes widen when he hears. Jun-kun, his Jun-kun is afraid...
Of "acting all possessive" by accident and turning him off?
It's such an unexpected worry that all he can do is stare for a moment. But Jun is completely serious, it seems: shy and awkward and afraid. He and Jun...
They really are alike.]
That's, well... I wouldn't worry about that last thing.
[He responds after a pause, seeming only a little less awkward.]
Not that I want to make you feel jealous, of course. I want you to feel good when you're with me! And it's really other people who ought to be jealous of you, since you get to be with me. But supposing you did get jealous, and you left more marks behind than usual, or... or you got a bit rougher...
[He trails off momentarily, his cheeks blazing at the scene that just unfolded in his head. Did he just imagine a jealous Jun-kun aggressively laying claim to him in front of someone else? You bet! Not quite looking at Jun, he finishes:]
It'd take more than that to drive me off. I'd still enjoy it, since it's with Jun-kun!
[He lets those words hang in the air defiantly.]
2/2
Not that I mean to discount your worries. You can take a while to think it over if you need to. And if you have any more concerns, we can discuss those, too. I just don't want you thinking that being too "possessive" is a problem. If you chained me up and refused to let me see sunlight, that'd be one thing. But I know Jun-kun wouldn't do that. And since you're lucky enough to have me as a partner, it seems to me that you should be possessive.